Day 15 - Life and Love

My blog on Day 5 was after a mail I received that stunned me. This blog too is after a mail I received recently that stunned me(this time for a change it was good). A very long blog. So read only if you have enough time to.


Besant Nagar, Chennai - A few years back.

It was around 1 o’ clock in the morning. It was so cold. I was sitting on one of the steps in the verandah of the Besant Nagar church. It was filled with mud, papers and all kinds of dirty material. Swarms of mosquitoes were flying around me. There were a few people around me, sleeping soundly. I recognized one guy on the right corner of the verandah. Every week while coming back from the church, I used to pay a rupee to that poor fellow. ‘Now, I am sleeping in a place where he slept daily’. I couldn’t control anymore. Tears flowed down my eyes. I closed my eyes. No more tears. Sleep!!! Sleep!!! I slept there on the steps.

I woke up. It was 3.30 in the morning. I started walking towards the beach. I was alone in the beach. There was nobody around me. I thought, “What am I doing? Where is this life going?” The last few years had been pain. Nothing but pain. I needed a friend. I wanted to talk to somebody. But, nobody was there. A wave showered my feet. I saw the sea. May be it is calling me. I wanted to die. I wanted the waves to take me away. But… it would be more pain!!. Should I do it? No, I wont. I am not a coward… Or may be I am not brave enough to do it!! Tears…. again. I am going to do it. I stepped forward towards the sea. It was going to be the end.

Suddenly I heard somebody shouting. It was a policeman.
Yaarudaa athu?(Who is it?) - he shouted.

He started coming towards me. I knew what was coming. I took out my ID card. Before he could ask anything I started speaking.
“Sir, I am from this college”, I gave him my ID card.
“Intha timela ennappa panrae inga?” (What are you doing here at this time?).
His tone was soft now. Was it because he saw the card or because he saw my eyes?. I didn’t answer.
“How did you come here?”
“Bike sir”. “You are not supposed to be here after 10. Leave now”, he said.

I was surprised he didn’t ask any questions. He came with me to the church. I had parked my bike there. It was the only thing that had been with me for the past few years.

Finally he asked me, “Did you fail in your exam?”. I smiled...
“I have never failed in an exam”, I said. He looked back at me, confused. I started the bike. I took off to my hostel.

I did not asked the policeman’s name. I have forgotten his face. I don’t know who he is. It is ironic that sometimes, you don’t know some of the most important people in your life. Sometimes I think that God doesn’t exist. But he does.


Home - May, three months later

I was home for my summer holidays. Your results were declared that day. Whenever tenth standard or twelfth standard results are declared, I will be busy. People call up home, come home and ask me to get the results through the net. I got your register number as well, just one of the many I got.

Till that morning, you were just ‘another girl’ to me. The results started coming in. I saw your score. I told you the score. You were a district ranker. That meant being on newspapers for the next two days. I saw you jumping with joy. A little girl jumping with joy. I was happy for you.

My mother started telling me about you. I never cared to listen about any girl till then, for I thought no girl would ever look at me. I don’t know why, but I listened that day.

You mesmerized people with your speeches. You read all the books in the world. You were a celebrity in school. You were cheerful. You were beautiful. You played chess so well. You solved crosswords in moments. You loved puzzles. You never missed a quiz on TV. You fought for Vikatan. You loved reading poems. You painted so well. You were very intelligent. You were kind to people. You smiled, always. And finally you were so good at heart.

It was as if somebody was repeating all that I had in mind. The perfect person to share my life. The character I had etched in my mind, but felt that I was not worthy getting. You were the person I wanted to be in life. You were the person I wanted in my life. I knew nothing about you the previous day. It was as if I knew everything about you now.

Evening came. You came to my house. The first time I saw you so close. Smiling all the time. Happy as ever. You talked. I watched. Till then, I didn’t want anything in life. Now, I wanted everything in life. To share them with you. Everyday I came to know more about you, I started loving you more. And before my vacations were over, the unfilled part of the puzzle was filled. You got admission where what you wanted. You were going to be a !!!!!!

But………Unless I change myself I am not going to have a life with you!!! I changed.

I came back to college. I worked hard, harder than ever I had worked. For you. I changed. Letters to you filled up my diaries. I talked to you daily through them. I got a job. Only because of you. College was over. I joined my first job. I disliked it. I joined another. People at the job hated me. My diary was my sole outlet. All that was pushing me was you. I wanted to do something more. For you. I resigned my job.

I came home. I saw you. I talked to you. Very little. But that was enough. I spent the six months preparing for my MBA. I wrote my MBA exams.

I came home again. You too were at Cornigela. It seemed as if whenever I came home they sent you home on holidays. I worked hard. I read a lot. We talked a little about books. We smiled whenever we saw each other. I prepared for my interviews. Harder, harder and harder. You were there at your home all the time. Every day I heard your voice at least once. More letters went into my diary. You asked me to get a few novels for you. I got a lot of novels for you. You read them. So, I read them all. I worked hard, I had no worries, for you were there with me. I did well in my interviews. I got what I wanted. Admission for an MBA in a premier B-School. And then…… I saw a drawing of yours. A mother with a child. I cried… I took it with me wherever I went… I saw your face in that. I loved you more than ever.

I was in college after 2 years. I wanted to prove something for all that I didn’t do in my graduation. I had the drawing with me. It was enough to give me all the energy I needed. I became one of the top 5 in class. Something I would never have done if it hadn’t been for you. I watched episode after episode of Friends wishing that I would watch it with you one day.

I mailed you. I couldn’t wait. I mailed you again hinting that I wanted to share my life with you. You replied. But, you replied hinting that I was like a brother to you. You said you wouldn’t be mailing me back again for long. I cried. I took my diary to write a letter to you. There was only one page left. I opened my laptop to watch Friends. Only the last episode was left. It all seemed to be the end. I cried all day.

I came home for vacations. I couldn’t talk to you. The door was shut, I thought. It all seemed to be over. February 14th came. I drank for the first time in life. You are the reason for what I am now. And you might be the reason for what I will be in the future, I thought.

Two days passed. I got a mail from you. I couldn’t believe it. You wanted to talk to me. You wanted to chat with me. You said you will mail me every week. You said you wanted discuss everything with me. You said you had been longing for a friend like me. You said a lot more things. And finally you said, “Thanks for all the help you had done”…
Then, what should I say to you?


Two people. I know nothing about one. I know everything about the other. I cant remember one’s face. I cant forget the other’s. I will never meet one. I will never leave the other. Lots of differences. But both changed my life, forever. I will never forget them, never ever.