Saturday, July 28, 2007

Day 37 - Tips on Taps

“For girls and children, comfort comes before safety!!! Stupids!!! This is the most ridiculous law I have seen in my 120 years of public service” - Leo da Mirci told me recently (after the Govt. announced that pillion riders who happen to be women or children need not wear helmets). A female and child chauvinistic law!!

Btw, after a recent debacle where my shirt was drenched with water from a tap, I thought it would be a great service to help the public by writing some tips on opening taps.

There are different types of taps. They are made up of different materials, the fluids that flow out of them are of different salinity, density and purity but our concern is none of these. Our concern is that there are different methods/ways/techniques/types of opening taps. If you don’t know every one of them, you are bound be ashamed in front of your colleagues or your boss. You might even lose your job in case it is your boss whose trousers get drenched (shouldnt be a trouble if you have just heard from For others who havent heard from here are some tips on types of taps.

Some taps have tops. Some don’t. The don’t types are called naked taps or naked tops (those knobs I mean).

Let us come to the taps which have tops first.

Top Yes Type 1: These are the simplest form of taps. They have a cylindrical knob at the top. Turn the top in one direction and water flows. I am confused as to whether it is a clockwise turn or an anticlockwise turn. Anyways it is a turn in the direction in which the top turns. If water still does not flow after a complete turn then you make a complete turn and go back. There is no water available in that area where that tap is situated (situated ha ha)…

Top Yes Type 2: These types are similar to Top Yes Type 1 but have a vertical tube with a horizontal turner on the top. (Basically a T-shaped knob). They function absolutely similar to the Top Yes Type 1. But they are considered inferior to Top Yes Type 1 taps.

Top Yes Type 3: These types have a cylindrical/horizontal tube with press/release concentric cylinder towards you. You have to press the tap in the horizontal direction with your thumb for water to flow. However water flows out in the vertical direction (Newton’s theory of gravity and Leo da Mirci’s theory of transformation of energy vectors - the horizontal push to vertical fall) are involved here. Though the user manual would say that you have to use your thumb to push you will often have to use you palm and exert enormous pressure to succeed. These taps are often found in schools, marriage halls or local cinema theatres. They have high affinity for each other. The distance between two taps is often not more than 15 cms. These taps rarely work. Their average functioning period is 3 months and are never repaired.

Top Yes Type 4: These types are similar to Top Yes Type 1 but have a slim semi-cylindrical or elliptical metallic structure instead of the cylindrical knob. For water to flow, you will have to stretch your hands with your nails facing the sky and press the metallic structure towards the ground floor of the building you are in. If you are already in the ground floor press it towards the basement parking. If you do not have a basement parking then just press it towards the floor of the same floor where you are standing. You can find these types of taps at hand washes in hotels/restaurants. These taps carry good water a la the arteries which carry pure blood (ha ha.. subject of interest of the subject I am interested in).

Top Yes Type 5: Except the opening mechanism all characteristics of these taps are similar to Top Yes Type 4 taps. In this case you will have to stretch your hands with the palms facing the sky and then pull the metallic structure towards the top floor of the building you are in. If you are in the top floor you will have to pull it towards the top (ceiling) of the top floor you are in.

Top Yes Type 6: Then there are taps which are found in Star hotels’ washrooms. These taps have a similar look and feel as those of Type 4 and 5. But unfortunately the “Press down to the ground floor” or “Pull up to the top floor” techniques will not work in this case. It seems that some of the guys who stay in Star hotels use only hot water for brushing. So these wash taps carry hot water as well as cold/normal temperature water. A certain degree turn to the right will give you water of certain degree and a certain degree turn to the left gives you water at a different degree temperature. Here too you will have confusion as to which one is a hot turn and which one is a cold turn. Trial and error is the best possible way out.

Top Yes Type 7:

We are sophisticated – these taps told me once. They are found in washrooms of good hotels. They are a combination of Type 6 and any one of Type 5 and Type 4. The opening mechanism is also simple. Here there are 4 opening options.

  • Right turn, Press down to the ground floor

  • Right turn, Pull up to the top floor

  • Left turn, Press down to the ground floor

  • Left turn, Pull up to the top floor

Sometimes a center Pull up or Press down option is also available where you get mixture of hot and cold water. Type 7s are Visionaries according some great Management Guru!!!

Top Yes Type 8:

Type 8s are found in bathrooms of Star hotels. They are called the Matrix types. There are three knobs connected to a single water outlet. Hot water knob (red color coded), cold water knob (blue color coded) and a water outlet knob(have never noticed the color).

You are Neo. The water outlet knob is the path. The Hot Water and Cold Water knobs are the pills. Morpheus has given you both the pills. He indirectly tells you “You take the blue pill, you will get cold water. You take the red pill, you will get hot water. I can only tell you the path (through which water flows). You will have to open the knob.” Trinity is a part of he matrix (the three knobs are otherwise called the trinity of these water taps). The difference between the Screen version and the bathroom version of “The Matrix” is that you can take both the pills to get water at normal temperature in the bathroom version. Anyways, you can always find that hot water flows out of the blue tap. No plumber has ever got the colors right.

Topless Types:

I am referring to the automatic sensor taps here. These do not have a knob at all. The idea of installing(??) these taps is to reduce the effort of an individual to create a water fall. But unfortunately most individuals who have used these taps claim that these taps require more effort to create a water fall. I saw one such person recently in a restaurant. This is what he did…..

  • Mr.Intelligent walks out to the tap. Keeps his hand below the outlet. No water.

  • He waves his hand here and there across the basin below the tap. No signs of water.

  • Mr.Intelligent now bends down and tries to locate the sensor. Couldn’t find any signs of it. He then tries step 2 again.

  • He looks at the guy next to him. He is happily washing his hands. How come in that tap alone water flows!!!

  • Mr.Intelligent’s ego does not allow him to go to the next tap.

  • Mr.Intelligent now blocks all sides of the basin with his hands. Wherever is the sensor now his hands will be recognized – that is the idea!!! Still no signs of water.

  • Mr.Intelligent looks if anyone is watching him. Moves slowly to the next tap. It works now…

  • He walks out as if he has achieved something!!!

  • The guy in the cash counter calls up two servers watching the whole drama and says “Evlo kashtapattaaru paatheengalla. Yaaravathu antha tap work aagalannu solla vendiyathu thaanaedaa”. Actually that tap did not work!!!

So be careful with these types of taps.

You may also look for some beautiful taps here.

I only have this much to say about taps. As Leo da Mirci says “There are many types of taps. There are many tips for using taps. There are many tops on taps. There are even tapes on taps which leak. All taps have their own tops, tips, types and tapes. It is up to you to decide which taps, tops, tips and tapes to use. Good decisions come with experience. There are is lot of management to learn from these taps. A simple management learning is “Tip (incentivize) your employees with a good top (brain) and tap the talent of these types of guys so that they make it to the top.”