Thursday, December 14, 2006

Day 32 - Deewana Bana De

For life to be interesting, you should make fun of others. You should be made fun of. Else life becomes too bland.

- Leo da Mirci in his book “ A recipe to failure - how to make bland dishes”.

A small imagination of what would happen if cricketers enter into Bollywood. A bit long. Forgive me if it is boring.


Sony Set Max’s viewership increased by a huge number during the ICC Champions trophy. Sony Max feels that its Extraa Innings featuring Rohit Roy, Shonali Nagrani and Mandira Bedi (who till a few days back thought that 20-20 is a game played with 20 players on each side) was a huge hit across the country. The channel claims that adding Filmi Flavour to cricket was one of the most important reasons for this increase in viewership (another important reason being Mandira Bedi’s costume designer). “The channel has plans to add cricket to entertainment too”, says Charu Sharma on behalf of Sony Max.

Current Scenario - The Background: (too much of B-School pressure => headings)

After the recent defeat in the ICC Champions trophy, the dismal performance in ODIs in South Africa, and the bashing it is getting from all quarters the entire Indian team is dejected. The Board of Sony thinks that this is the right time to get the cricketers into the entertainment domain. Sony plans to produce a movie with the Cricketers as the main cast. It sends a team (of a few cricketers dropped for the SA series) headed by Charu Sharma to South Africa to talk to the captain, Rahul Dravid & the current players regarding the new venture. Rahul after a bit of convincing, agrees to talk to the team about the new venture. Most of the team members feel that their ad revenues will drop after the South African tour. They think that the only other way to earn revenues would be to be a part of Bollywood (they never think of practicing). So the team agrees to be a part of the movie. A meeting of the Indian team members is convened to discuss and decide upon the plot and the actors.

Venue: The Indian dressing room South Africa

The entire team (with Greg Chappell) enters the dressing room..

Rahul Dravid: Welcome gentlemen!!!

Munaf Patel to RP Singh: Isnt he the gentleman?

Rahul Dravid(hearing some murmuring): Who is that talking? You know guys. I want perfect discipline here. This is a crucial meeting for all of us. Please stop talking.

Gentlemen, we are all here to discuss about the plot of the movie and the roles we will be taking up. You know guys, I have got good news for you. Steven Spielberg has agreed to direct the movie. Chappell will be the Assistant Director. It will be fun, don’t you think so?

Harbhajan: Captain, Pehle yeh bolo, yeh Steapen Spealebergu kaun hai?(first tell me!! who is this Steapen Spealebergu?)

Rahul Dravid(to Bhajji): Bhajji pehle yeh bolo. Why haven’t you tied your hair? First tie you hair... The SGPC is waiting for you!!! This happens always, have Royal whisky at night, forget to tie your hair and get into controversies!!!

Rahul Dravid(to the team): Ok guys. Lets first decide on the hero. Whoever wants to be a hero please raise your hands.
(All hands raise)

Rahul Dravid(to himself): Now raise you hands , when I call for practice switch off your mobiles.
Rahul Dravid(to the team): See not everybody can be the hero, you know. Please tell me one by one, why you should be the hero. Lets do it in the batting order… Sehwag start!

RP Singh to Munaf Patel: Arre this is unfair!! Humko chance nahi milega (We will not get a chance)
Munaf Patel to RP Singh: Abey chup. Yeh batting order jalti collapse ho jayega. (Dude, shut up. You don’t know about our batting order. They will all collapse soon. We will get more time to speak than the entire top order put together.)

Sehwag(ready for his speech): Guys, with my new funky hair style(?) I’ll become a heartthrob among the girls.. Aarthi often says that I look too good. Moreover, people have seen me as a hero in the Hero Honda Ad. So that would help too. The number of fans I have is increasing you know!

Munaf Patel to RP Singh: Yes even his size keeps on increasing day by day… The only thing that is decreasing is his average!!! By the way he has no hair on his head... Why does he call it a hairstyle?
RP Singh to Munaf Patel: Ha ha!! You’re right!! Munaf, tell me - how can he become a hearththrob among girls?
Munaf Patel to RP Singh: Arre yaar, Kenya mein Odumbe bhi Hero hai!!! (Hey dude in Kenya, even Odumbe is a hero)
(Both laugh silently)

Rahul Dravid: Ok. Sehwag thanks. Now Sachin… start!!!
(Everybody turns towards Sachin and find him sleeping)

Rahul Dravid(in a loud voice): Sachin.. stop sleeping and say something.
(Pathan wakes Sachin up)

Sachin(half asleep – hears only the words “say something”): Thanks Ravi, the pitch was flat and the ball was coming on to the bat. I thought if I could stay till the end overs, it would be good for the team. I might waste hundred balls to move from 99 to 100 but still I consider myself playing for the team and nobody should criticize me. Because I am Sachin. Main kaun hoon? Mera tennis elbow kahan hai?

Rahul Dravid(shouts): Sachin!! Sachin wake up!!! Tell me why you want to be a hero…

Sachin(awake now): Oh!!! Sorry Dravid… Had a bad dream. Coming to the hero point, you can see that even if I don’t play well I will be in the team and people come to watch me. Similarly, I thought even if I don’t act well everybody will watch my films. I thought I have more fans than anybody else in the country (excluding Thalaivar Rajnikanth, of course). I have acted in more ad films than all of you put together. So given my past experience ….

Chappell (interrupts): Sachin… stop talking about your past experience. Only current performance will be taken into account in my film. What do you say Rahul?

Rahul Dravid: Whatever you say sir!!! (to himself - Why would I risk saying something? I know your proficiency in writing letters to the BCCI. There are people waiting in the BCCI office to leak the letters to the press. I am a gentleman, Mr. Chappell; but a clever gentleman, you *&^%$#)
(Suddenly there is a loud noise in the room; Sourav, Azhar, Jadeja and Sidhu enter into the room shouting Ooh aah India Aaya India!!”)

Charu Sharma: Why are you people late for the meeting?? Hey, Sidhu!!! I read that you are in jail…

Sidhu: No, Charu. I was on bail. Not in jail. The difference between jail and bail is as good as the difference between the poor and the rich. All that makes the difference is a bit of money!!! Anyways, Hi everybody… It is good to be here for the meeting! This place is excellent!!! The feeling of being in the dressing room is as good as a vegetarian having chicken pox. You have chicken in you and you don’t have to eat it. And what more!!! You still remain a vegetarian.

RP Singh to Munaf Patel: What does that mean?
Munaf Patel to RP Singh: I am sure even he does not understand what he says!! Don’t ever try to ask him.. He will reply with another one of his Sidhuisms!!

Azhar: Hi boys!!(I love calling you so) It has been a long time since I met you. I have been busy in my gym… Boys, I want to be frank. I hate the movie world. Because Sangeeta hates it. But boys, I can book tickets for any movie for you people. I have lot of bookie contacts you know!!! One more thing boys…I wanted to meet Gibbs in South Africa… I heard that he has been avoiding me. Boys if you can find him please tell him that...

Sourav(interrupting Azhar): Azzu!! Enough!! lets not call them boys any more…They are all grown ups now..(in a low voice - I helped these *$%^& grow up in the team and look at my fate now) Hey guys, how are you!! It is your Dada… I missed you so much. And you know what? In my leisure time at home I prepared a plot for the movie (instead of playing the Ranji trophy). I have got a very good story for the movie. Let me narrate to you the story.

Charu Sharma: Make it short, Dada. We are already short of time.

Sourav(angry): How dare you use the word short in my presence? You know how much I hate short ones. I have even stopped wearing shorts!! Ok leave that. Let me tell you the crux of the plot in detail (??)

This is the story of a guy who is the king..hmm….let us say the Prince of Bollywood!!! All the movies he acts in as the hero are big hits. Many new actors get a chance to act because of him. He forms his own team, and uses the same cast/crew in all his movies; even the director and producer are the same. Once on a foreign shooting schedule, the hero fights against a few Englishmen. Half way through the fight the hero gets out injured. Believing that nothing can save his team, start his prayers at the Lords; somehow, his friends display lots of courage, fight till the end and defeat the Englishmen. Charu, you know, here we can have a song with my shirts off…just like Salman does in all his movies!!! Everybody in the country is now a fan of the hero.

And then comes the tragic part of the movie - this winning combination does not last for long. One day, his director Mr. Right falls ill and leaves India. The producer Dalmiya also loses money and power. The new producer comes in and he selects a new director. Problems crop up between our hero and the new director. A few movies flop and the director wants the hero to be replaced. He does not want to give him even a small role in the movie. As usual, the people of West Bengal (who oppose anything that is good for the country) oppose our hero’s removal too. They want him back as the hero; or at least in a small role in the movie. But nobody listens to what they say, as usual. Our Prince now sits down in his house watching old movies he has acted in.

Let us end it here, with a note saying how great people are ill treated in India!!! We in Bengal love tragic endings. Lets spread this phenomenon across the world. What do you say Charu? How is my story?

RP Singh to Munaf Patel: May be at the end of the movie we can have Sourav in a Pepsi ad saying Mera naam Sourav Ganguly hai. Bole tho nahi…Jo hua, kyun hua, kaise hua. Yeh sab soch ke dhukh bhi hotha thaa; ghussaa bhi aatha thaa. Par ab nahi. Main bollywood mae vaapous aane keliyae bahut bahut (dance) practice kar raha hoon. Kya maalum… heronies ke saath shirtless dance karne kaa mujhe aur ek moka mil jaaya. Jo bhi ho… bollywood ka andhar ya baahar..main chup bhaitnawaala nahi.. ooh aah..ouch.. iodex!!! aa yaa iodex. bollywood ke har movie ka fight scene mae main aise hi chill aaongaa. Aap bhi chillaayaengae.. mere team ko iodex zaroori hai… mere team ko acha lagaega… apni dada ki baat suneginaa?”
(Munaf Patel laughs out loud and everybody turns back)

Sidhu: Look!!! this kid is laughing when the Prince is speaking. This is what the Indian team lacks. Dsicipline!! I am telling you.. (Sign board for adults below adult level - Censored Sidhuism ahead) This is like a married couple playing handball. The guy doesn’t end up screwing his wife unless he first gets his hands on the ball. (Puritanists who just read the above line can now go see your Parish priest)

Jadeja (in a low voice to Sidhu): Sherry, see Sonali Chander is the only person in the world who can understand what we both speak…and nobody else cares about our comments!!! So shut up..

Rahul Dravid: Ok ok.. You know guys. This is not taking us anywhere.. Let us decide the heroine first…
(Voices heard) Sangeeta, Nagma, Kim Sharma, Sania Mirza, Shilpa Shetty, Dimple Kapadia, Yuvraj Singh!!!

Charu(interrupts): No No No!!! Peace people...Shanthi Shanthi...The heroine is already decided. Anything with Sony & cricket it will always be Mandira who is the heroine. We have even decided on a few promotions with Mandira’s champions trophy clips..

Munaf Patel to RP Singh: May be they should use the clip where Mandira asked Tony Grieg “Tony!!! now that Gilchrist is injured, whom do you think will open the fielding for South Africa?” Can you believe it? Mandria is the heroine!!! Yeh comedy movie hai kya??

Charu(continues): And we would better have our captain as the hero. Sony Max has a plot. Since the team cannot come to a conclusion we will go with our own plot.…

The movie revolves around the India-Pakistan rivalry. Pakistan plans to destroy India. Since they cant win anything face to face, they use one more of their cheap tactics. They send drug dealers to India. Pakistan wants to create a huge drug market in India and supply drugs to the Indian Army. They come up with an intelligent plan(by Pakistan’s standards) that they would attack India when the Indian soldiers are all on drugs (???). They send their main drug dealer to India. You know, with his knowledge of drugs, Shoaib would be perfect for this role. Against him is the captain of the Indian Army, Rahul.

Rahul consults the eternal captain of India, Vijaykanth to find out where the terrorists hide. Vijaykanth with his widespread experience in this area(14 films, 2 guest roles & a terrorist capture count of 149) helps Rahul identify and gun down all the terrorist drug dealers. Somehow Shoaib escapes with a few others.

In the climax Shoaib comes down running all the way from Pakistan to hit Rahul. Rahul stops him with one finger and Shoaib falls down right under Dravid’s feet. There he lies under Dravid’s feet, unable to move just like a cricket ball. Shoaib loses all his energy and returns back to Pakistan and starts running again. Meanwhile Rahul beats all other drug dealers, the first man, second man, third man etc.. one by one..As he usually does, Rahul hits their balls (towards the point area), pulls them, lifts them over the head and flicks them finally, making sure that all these guys reach the ropes!!! By that time, Shoaib reaches India. However, he is unable to fight against Rahul as he gets injured because of running too much…You know, Shoaib would be the best choice for this role… He even has the experience of acting injured!!!

(The door opens and somebody in a Sony SET Max T-shirt gives Charu a note)…

Charu(after reading the note - in a sad voice): Sorry friends…Maa Prem Ritambhara, our official tarot card reader has predicted that this movie would be a super hit. So the Sony Executive Board is pretty sure that this movie will be a big flop. They are no longer financing the movie…..(after a pause) It has been dropped. I am extremely sorry friends..The meeting has to end now..

(All cricketers are so dejected and start moving)

Sidhu(shouts at the top of his voice): I cant believe this!!! Sony Max is behaving like a pizza delivery guy who loves his job. Even if his wife gets pregnant he would want to deliver the baby!!! And you know what…If you push Geoffrey Botcott into a pool of....

(All cricketers start running as Sidhu starts one more of his Sidhuisms.)

The end.