Day 21 - What should I name it?

"Next time you go to bed, don’t think of how much you have earned that day, how many times your boss appreciated you that day or how many good things your colleagues told about you that day. Think of the time you did not give your loved ones, the time that you sacrificed to get all these. Think whether it is really worth it."
- Leo da Mirci.

My brother is like any other brother in this world. Nothing special. Whenever he comes home we sit around him hearing all the stories that happened in school, college and wherever he had been. He starts talking and we laugh, laugh and laugh. He smiles at everybody. He makes everybody smile. There is not a single person in the world who hates him. There is not a single person in the world whom he has hurt. Every time I told him “Please… do it for me”, he would say “Panraennaa” and run immediately for helping me. If I tell him any of my problems, he would immediately say “Naan irukkaenla anna kavalaipadaathey”(I am there anna. Don’t worry). He calls me “Lae Anna” - the perfect example of the respect he has for me and the very close friendship we share.

The testimonials his friends have written for him in orkut make me feel proud. He is just the type of person this world would be proud of. He goes beyond what he can do to help others, non-materialistic and kind. When he sees children on the road, begging he would say “I will do something for all such children some day. When I get my salary I will help them annaa”. He would have, but the problem is, one year after passing out from college, he hasn’t got his first salary.

I feel responsible. I haven’t spent for him, even 1% of the time I spent helping my friends.

When he was preparing for his entrance exams, he asked me to come home and help him. Instead I chose to spend time with my friends in college.

When he was in college I could have taught him everything. I never cared to. I spent my time enjoying life, creating problems for myself and solving them.

Whenever my mother asked me to teach him during my summer holidays, I told her “Amma, he will study if he wants to”, all because I wanted to enjoy my summer holidays.

When he finished college, he told me that he did not want to get into the software industry. I just asked him to continue searching for a job in the software industry. I did not even spend a minute thinking about what other career options he had. My post graduation became more important to me than his life.

And a lot more Whens… which I did not even care to remember.

Now, I sit down and think of them. I have not done anything for the closest friend I have in life. Agreed, he himself should have done a lot of things. He should have worked hard, he should have done this and that…but I worry because even if he had done nothing, I could have made a lot of difference in his life. But, I chose to be selfish.

Today I talked to him. He talked to me in a very low tone, a tone which was not the cheerful one I love to hear. I was left with a very heavy heart. Every moment my heart beats, it seems to say “If you had spent some time for him he would have been cheerful today”. I don’t know what else to say.