Day One - Drops of Pain

Today is Monday. All Mondays are Mondays. I woke up at 7 a.m in the morning and had some idlis. After having idlis, I didnot know what to do and so went to sleep again. I thought I would get some rest by sleeping. When I woke up at 11:40 a.m I was surprised to find that I was more tired than I was at 7. Sometimes I make mistakes. The mistakes I make can be divided into two types, idiotic mistakes and intelligent mistakes. Today's mistake was of the former type.

I was trying to cry two days back but couldn't cry. I realised that I have changed a lot. Six, seven years back I used to cry for almost everything. I feel that I have forgotten the concept of 'feelings' in my mind now. Ellaam marathu pochu. Earlier when my friends have a problem and share it with me, I too feel for them. But now!! I am analysing it as if it is a 'case study' and trying to bring out points which could help them. Though it helps the person, still there is some part in my mind which says, "To hell with you… Your friends have a problem and you dont/ cant even feel for them".

I tried to bring up some of the 'only' things that made me cry..

1. Novel - 'The Bleachers' by John Grisham
2. Art - 'Eendra Pozhuthil' by one of my friends
3. Rejection - When 'Infosys' rejected me on campus
4. Eyes - My dad's when I saw his eyes moist the first and only time
5. Comedy - 'Friends'

Now, some of the things that made me cry the most...

1. Movies - Anbe Sivam, Manathil Uruthi Vendum, Unnal Mudiyum Thambi, Azhagi, Autograph, 7/G Rainbow Colony, Schindler's List and I am Sam. When I watched 'I am Sam' there was not even a single second when I did not cry. When I watched 'Autograph' I cried till I reached my house. The top spot would go to  '7/G rainbow Colony' since I cried all the six times I watched the movie.
2. The first year(home sickness) and the last 2 years(self sickness) at graduation.
3. 'Jai Jawan' on NDTV.
4. Songs - 'Tholvi Nilaiyana' from Oomai Vizhigal, 'Raasave', 'Vetti Veru' and 'Poongatru' from Mudhal Mariyadhai

May be I dont cry now because all my feelings are compressed and stored in one single feeling and one single person. Even now during SIP, I never felt rejection; only felt disappointment. May be because nothing else is rejection to me. May be because, nobody else can reject me. I am waiting for the day when I will be rejected/accepted.

As Leo da Mirci says..

'The peak of pain is to sit just beside the person you love and know the fact that the person can never be yours'

I dont think any person in the world understands this.