Day 36 - Improving your orkut performance

"You know that you orkut because you want to be something with somebody. You say that you orkut because you want to be something else with somebody else."

- Leo da Mirci in his book "How to win friends and orkut with people!!"

One of the most frequent reasons I have heard for people being on orkut is “Looking for friends who studied with me in primary school", "To catch up with old friends" "Orkut is the best thing that happened to friends” and all that crap.

Come on guys, we all know that when you sign into orkut the first thing you see is whether the number of fans/friends has increased or whether any girl has scrapped you (if at all it happens). We know that you go search girls school/ college communities looking for some girl whom you might have known. Soon you get frustrated and quit orkut saying “You know what, I am spending too much time on orkut and it is affecting my job performace”. Yes we understand even that. You are no longer able to compete with your friends in the number of fans, scraps or the number of girls he has connected with. You tried, tried and tried but you could not improve your performance. So you planned to quit. But see, the good news is that you have company - a lot of people are quitting orkut nowadays.

For such poor souls who are thinking of quitting orkut because their performance is not good enough, here are a few tips to increase your orkut performance.

Let us start with the Profile

Name: Names should always be stylish. If you still have things like Raamasaamy, Supppramanian, Asokan, Santhaanam, Jayaramakrishnan in your profile immediately go change them. A Rams, Subra, Ash, Santa or Jay Kris is what you should have.

About me: Typically an about me column would contain super smart statements like “You know me or you don’t know me”, “Read my profile if you really want to know” “I am not someone who cant be easily understood” “Buzz me on yahoo” etc.. Sometimes you can see a bunch of characters scattered all over the place and when you scroll down – Voila! What a surprise !!! You can see a devil’s face or the word FRIENDS! What an imaginative guy he is!! The most recent addition to this phenomenon is to have a poem describing you.. Something like
Want to get into a passionate mire?
I am always on fire
I took an auto on hire
I stood on an electric wire
I will soon burn on a wooden pyre
(for the benefit of the public the lines ending in dire, tyre, sire and gyre have been removed).

Come on guys…. these are stuff Raja Raja Chozhan’s great grandfather had in his profile. It is enough you have a simple about me column which is actually something about you.

Gender: Men are always proud to claim that they are men. However, DC Nielsen’s survey says that there are more men who own feminine ids than women.

Relationship Status: Give some respect to the male community. Give some respect to how God wanted men to behave. Don’t be an outcast. Even if you are married/committed say single.

Birthday: Birthday is the only occasion when girls wish you profusely. The day when they suddenly realize that you exist in this world. That is the day you get the most number of scraps in the year. So, have at least 5 birthdays in a year. Change it every now and then so that you get wishes from girls every now and then. You can have an actual birthday, one each for your star, the sun and the nine planets. (Don’t act too smart and tell me that Pluto is no more a planet. Then you get to lose a few scraps).

City/State: Nothing much. For heaven’s sake do not write the name of your village. Guys from pattis (Kovilpatti, Vadipatti) have a big disadvantage here. You guys might get a list of US cities from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_United_States_cities_by_population and use them.

Zip/Postal code: After using an U.S city’s name please don’t show your intelligence by coming up with a 6 digit Pincode (like 624218 for Vaidpatti). U.S cities have 5 digit pin codes (I think he he).

Interested in: Choose any damn thing except dating men/dating men and women.

Children: Remember two things. You are single. Single men are not supposed to have children.

Ethnicity, Political view, Humor, Fashion: Does not matter. No girl is going to search for a Multi-ethnic, very left-liberal trendy fashioned guy with a quick-witted or slapstick humor. Orkut does not have a provision for such searches.

Language: As a true patriotic Indian accept one thing first. We use neither English(U.S) nor English(U.K). We use an Indian language which is similar to English in many ways. Don’t debate on that. The only reason we choose one of the two is because an English(Indian) option does not exist. In addition to your mother tongue you can also choose French, German, Spanish or Mandarin etc. I am sure they are also languages.

Sexual orientation: Avoid the no answer choice here. People should know that you are oriented. (There is a choice called bi-curious here, what the hell is that?)

Smoking, drinking: The girls community is divided in their preference. So no answer is the best answer.

Living: As long as you don’t check all the options it is fine. Girls sometimes read between the lines. For example from a check all entry they would get the idea that you are living alone with your parents and a partner who has kids with friends who visit you often and roommates who party every night with your pets.

Passions: If you are passionate about the discovery channel control your instincts to announce it to the world. See below(Sports) would be the best option…Girls like that.

Sports: F1, Football, Cricket(?) or anything that is associated with speed. Writing Carrom board here would reduce the number of potential scraps by 72%.

Activities: Don’t write your daily activities like checking out girls. Equivalent phrases like Nature watching(considering girls to be an integral part of nature) , Sky watching(when girls are studying in the terrace) etc. can be used.

The five habits of highly effective orkut people: Books, Movies, TV Shows, Music, Cuisines. This is a very important part of your profile. This is the first thing girls check in your profile after your sexual orientation. If you haven’t started reading, watching, eating or listening to anything non Indian, the following tips might be helpful.

Books: You could use names such as Ayn Rand, Frederick Forsyth, Arthur Hailey, Paulo Coelho or Ken Follet. Don’t use Jeffrey Archer or Sidney Sheldon. They are supposedly not so favorite among girls. Girls are jealous that they are the favorite authors of every Bollywood or Kollywood actress. Btw, don’t try typing and pronouncing Paulo Coelho at the same time. It produces disastrous results.

Music: Use names like MLTR, Beatles, Beethoven, Mozart, Elton John, Bryan Adams, Enrique Iglesias, Beyonce Knowles etc… If this list does not contain AR Rahman you are bound to lose fans.

Movies: You should have one movie for each genre. If you don’t know the different genres check IMDB(at http://imdb.com/) . If you don’t know what the word genre means check the dictionary(at http://dictionary.com/). As a basic criteria, minimum two movies should be from IMBD 250 (at http://www.imdb.com/chart/top). Any two from this list is enough but a Godfather or Citizen Kane would prove more effective. Instead of giving the names of movies if you give the names of the directors you will be considered as an avid movie watcher. Say for ex. Roman Polanski movies, Akira Kurosawa movies, Martin Scorsese movies…Also add a few foreign movies French, Japanese etc. You dont need to search for them. Get them at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Academy_Award_for_Best_Foreign_Language_Film. Use the original name(like La vita labonski murra) within brackets. In an Indian’s profile, the term Spielberg movies is always followed by Maniratnam movies. For Tamil guys Kaaka Kaaka is a must. That is the only Tamil movie that the North Indians love. Any other movie which has Surya in it is an added advantage. Even Surya’s TVS Star ads might help getting a few fans.

TV Shows: Friends is universal. Here, you should be very careful. Even if you are, please do not mention that you would be eagerly waiting in your living room for Desperate Housewives every Thursday night.

Cuisine: Simple formula. You like the people of Italy? Then say Italian. You like Mexico. Say Mexican. You love South India. Say South Indian. You like China. Say Chinese. You love all continents. Say Continental.

Now we are done with the profile part of it. Let us get into how to improve your popularity among the girls.

Profile picture: Don’t think that putting in a picture of Brad Pitt will help you in any way. First, everybody knows Brad Pitt. Second everybody will come to know that you are one poor soul who could not look like Brad Pitt and so gets vicarious satisfaction by putting in his picture.

Recent Visitors: The recent visitors list should never have a name like Jambulingam or Senthoorapaandi. We cant suffer because these idiots did not change their names to Jammy or Sandy. We have a way out. Basic logic: When you visit any arbit person’s orkut profile they visit yours. So go ahead and visit profiles of girls with names like Helen, Jenifer, Anna, Catherine or Isabel. Your recent visitors list will always look colorful.

Scraps: Scrap all girls. “Hi how are you. Didn’t know that you were on orkut”. She will reply saying “Do I know you?”. Orkut will tell you how you know her. A->B-> C ->D->E. Tell her the link. Soon you would probably reach A->E. Wait for a day when she scraps you saying “why no reply da?”. Immediately scrap all friends you have (right from LKG to post graduation) saying “Long time no see da”. They will come visit your page and see the girl’s scrap. They will be envious all day about the “Why no reply da” scrap.

Fans: Except a few morons everybody else becomes your fan when you become theirs. It is an universal obligation. To take revenge of these morons, you can reveal secrets of these morons in their scraps and damage their image. Alternatively, if any girl scraps these morons you can scrap the guy asking “What da… what is happening? Does she know about your affairs?” etc.. and do a proper image damage operation.

Testimonials: You can draft your testimonials yourselves and ask your friends to post them. Treats do magic. You can even return them the favor. Or create a few orkut profiles under some good girls’ names and write testimonials for you from those profiles. Nothing can match the happiness of writing your own testimonial.

Communities: Join some intelligent communities like Puzzles, Sudoku, History of India, Maniratnam fans etc. If you studied in a co-education school start a community for it. But please don’t play games like “Favourite miss in the school, Favourite aaya in the school, Favourite place in the school, Favourite bench in the classroom,” etc. It will be real fun for your friends when a lot of girls reply to your favourites saying “Anna that bench was my favourite too”. The entire purpose would be lost. So, just add the girls as friends and orkut, orkut and orkut. That is the sole purpose of these communities, not playing such useless games.

If anyone has any other ideas please do comment. It will help fellow orkutters.

Long live Orkut & all guys who orkut for girls.

Day 35 - Drink hot - feel cold

For me everything should be under control. Not under control leads to frustration. Helpless or Powerless => More frustration.

Yesterday I was not frustrated. Point is I was not under control too. Enjoyment. Too much. Last Feb drank 2 sips. This Feb drank heavily. First time experience. Excellent. Definitely the last time experience. but still too good. Conscious decision to drink. Taken few months back. ‘At least once in college’ theme. So nobody to blame.

Implications follow today. Lost good image about self. Depressed? don’t know. Some feeling. Not understandable. Lost an important bullet point in my life CV - “I don’t drink”. “I don’t drink” pride no more. Serious damage to self-image. Same feeling comes back again. Don’t know what it is. Yes. Past memories back. 15 year resolution over. Voices. Dialogues. Everything back. Comparing myself with…? No. Don’t. Stop. Afraid. Don’t want to be there. Enough. Divert mind. Tactics? Watch movie. Songs. What else. Talk to …? Afraid again. Don’t talk to anyone. Got it. Friends. Or 7G songs? Somebody is asking for the movie Minnale. Vaseegara. No. Not there. Don’t open that gate again. One is more than enough. Problem = I don’t think of me as good any more. No. You are making a hill out of a mole. You are always like that. Tomorrow it will be all right. Watch Kaadhal, TVS scooty and the school uniform. Smile. Will bring good memories. Ok tomorrow. Blog stop. Watch Kaadhal. Cant.

Think of good things that happened… Yesterday I was afraid of hangovers. Today no headache. Nothing. Be proud. You don’t have a hangover. Or is this? Yes…Yes..it is!!! 2 paragraphs of unnecessary nonsense. Thinking too much. The perfect hangover for me you know.

Day 34 - Why Chennai?

“In touch with reality, decisions are meant to be rational. But some decisions don’t have any rationale. They are not the best. But for a few people they might make a difference. So they become the right decisions.” – Leo da Mirci.

Why did you choose?

Almost every interview I attend has a similar question.

Why Engineering? Why Cognizant? Why MBA? Why HR? etc. etc… I never thought much about these questions. I don’t have the answers to these questions. I had doubts regarding every one of these choices. I still have. But there is one question I have clear answers to. Might not be understandable to others. Might be childish to a few and I might even be a fool to many for making this decision. But let it be so. I know that this is the least I could do.

Why Chennai?

I remember walking down into this institute around 2 years back. I was 23. Still my entire family accompanied me. With pride. Around 20 years back when they were married they would never even have imagined that their son would do an engineering in one of the top institutes in Tamilnadu, leave alone an MBA. They were proud, but I am not sure whether they were happy.
“It was a few months after you joined your first standard. One evening I came to your school to pick you up. I entered, You were waiting for me and you ran towards me holding your report card shouting ‘Amma, I am the first in class’. That was the most happiest moment in my life.”, my mother often says. My father’s is so easy to predict. “The moment I first saw you. They gave you to me and I was holding you in my hands. I can never forget that”. But my happiest moment - it does not involve them. I don’t think anybody’s happiest moment involves their parents. It is either getting into an institute, getting placed in a company or getting a girl friend or something that you got.

When I receive a call from my home, I look at the number and tell myself “Ok. I have something to do now. I am busy. Let me talk to them later”. They never asked me why I did not pick up. They always assumed that I would have, if I had time. But then, even my father is busy. Busier than me. But, I have never waited for more than three rings when I call my father. My call comes before any job for him. Not for me. I know I take them for granted.

My mother often tells me “Nowadays, you can’t expect your son to stay with you after he gets married. At least once in a while, if you are able to see him parents should should be happy. I can understand that. But you know, many of my colleagues are not like that”. I tell myself “Amma, I know you want me to be with you.” - But still it is not going to happen. They would never come out to live in a city and unluckily my education says that I am overqualified to get a job in my hometown.

Three years back, I decided to resign my job and go for an MBA. I had to take a break for an year to prepare. I called up my father and said “I am going to resign my job”. The first thing he said was “Take your own decision. Anyways, me or you mother don’t know anything an MBA. So you do whatever you like. But never worry about money. Whatever you want to study you go ahead. I will somehow arrange for it”. It has always been like that. Money they earned was not meant for their future. It was for their children. If I call my father for money any time, it would be there in my bank account within two hours. I never had any problems with anything….anything. Even, if I had, I would always find them by my side.

One thing is surprising. That they have never asked me anything. At least I can’t remember them asking me for anything. But, two weeks back when I told my father that I am going to attend interviews for a job after much of hesitation he told me in a low tone as if he was requesting, “Ashok , Chennaila job irunthaa paaru. Vera engayum venaam” (Look for a job in Chennai, nowhere else).” Two things were different. One he never called me by name. Two, he never requested me and it was not followed by the typical 'Anyways if you feel that somethin else is better go ahead with it' that comes after every suggestion.

I could have told him that Bangalore was as easily accessible as Chennai and is almost the same distance from my hometown. I could have told him that I could shift to Chennai after working somewhere else for a year… or another umpteen number of reasons. I could have asked him whether it was Chennai that he meant, or any place that is as near as Cehnnai. But, I could not tell him anything. I mean, I did not.

And that’s the answer for Why Chennai?
My parents want me to be in Chennai.
Could be an irrational decision for others. Not for me.

Day 33 - Engum Ta Mil Ethilum Ta Mil - 1

After the entertainment tax relief for Tamil films, the Tamilnadu Government might even announce tax relief to all Corporates who get their employees to talk only in Tamil. If this happens, a typical conversation between two software engineers who meet after a long time would be…

ஏ, நண்பா எப்படி செய்து கொண்டிருக்கிறாய்?

நான் நன்றாக இருக்கிறேன் மானிடா.

அதனால், மேலே என்ன இருக்கிறது மானிடா?

ஒன்றுமே இல்லயடா மனிதா. எதுவுமே நடக்க மாட்டேன் என்கிறது மானிடா.

நீளமான நேரம். இல்லை பார்வை.

ஆமாம் நண்பா… நிறைய அலுவலடா, உனக்கு தெரியும்.

அதனால என்ன நடக்கிறது, உன் காதல் முன்னாடியில்?

முன்னேற்றமே இல்லை. நேற்று கூட ஒரு பெண்ணிற்காக விழுந்தேன். அவளை அடிக்க பார்த்தேன். அவள் என்னை அறைந்தாள். அதனால் இப்பொது மீண்டும் முதல் சதுரத்திற்கே வந்துவிட்டேன்.

ஓ என் கடவுளே! ஓரு பெண்ணால் அடிக்கப்பட்டாயா!! சரி போன வருடம் நீ ஒரு பெண்ணுடன் வெளியே போய் கொண்டிருந்தாயே, சரியா, என்னாச்சு?

நாங்கள் மேல் உடைத்து ஒரு வருடம் ஆகி விட்டது.

மாட்டு சாணமே!! நீ உன் மனதுக்கு வெளியே இருக்கிறாய். இதையே தொடர்ந்தாயென்றால், எனக்கு என்ன சொல்வதென்றே தெரியவில்லை.

வாடா மானிடா!!! நானே இதை எளிதாக எடுத்து கொண்டிருக்கிறேன், நீ ஏன் வருந்துகிறாய்? அதை மறந்து விடு. சரி ஒரு முக்கியமான குழு சந்திப்பு இருக்கிறது எனக்கு. இடத்தின் மேல் இருக்கும் ஆண்கள் கூப்பிடுவார்கள். சாவுக்கோடுகளை சந்திக்க வேண்டும். எனவே செல்ல வேண்டியது அவசியமாகிறது. சென்று வருகிறேன்.

கடலா!!

கடலா மானிடா!! தொட்டுக்கொண்டே இரு.

(For the English translation, go to the end of this post)

For those who cant read Tamil,

Yae nanbaa, eppadi seithu kondirukkiraai?
Naan nandraaha irukkiren maanidaa.
Athanaal, Melae enna irukkirathu maanidaa?
Ondrumae illayada maanidaa. Ethuvumae nadakka maataen engirathu maanidaa.
Neezhamaana neram. Illai paarvai.
Aamaam nanbaa… Niraya aluvalada, unakku theriyum.
Athanaala enna nadakkirathu, un kaadhal munnadiyil?
Munnetramae illai. Netru kooda oru pennirkaaha vizhunthaen. Avalai adikka parthen. Aval ennai adithuvittaal. Athanaal ippothu meendum muthal sathurathirkae vanthuvittaen.
O yen kadavulae! Oru pennaal adikkappattayaa!! Sari pona varudam nee oru pennudan veliyae poi kondirunthayaae, sariyaa, ennaachu?
Naangal mael udaithu oru varudam aahi vittathu.
Maattu Saanamae!! Nee un manathukku veliyae irukkiraai. Ithayae thodarthaayendraal, enakku enna solvathendrae theriyavillai.
Vaadaa maanida!!! Naanae ithai ezhithaaha eduthu kondirukkiraen, nee yaen varunthugiraai? Adhai maranthu vidu. Sari oru mukkiyamaana kuzhu santhippu irukkirathu enakku. Idathin mael irukkum aangal koopiduvaargal. Chaavukkodugalai santhikka vaendum. Enavae sella vendiyathu avasiyamaagirathu. Sendru varugiraen.
Kadalaaa!!

Kadalaaa Maanida!! Thottukondae iru.

The English translation would be,

Hey buddy, How are you doing?
I am fine, man.
So, whats up man?
Nothing man. Nothing’s happening.
Long time. No see.
Yes yaar! lots of work, you know!
So whats happening on your love front?
No improvement. Even yesterday I fell for a girl. I tried hitting on her. She slapped me. So now back to square one.
Oh my God! Got slapped by a girl!! Ok, last year you were going around with a girl right, what happened?
It has been one year since we broke up.
Bull shit!! You are out of your mind. If you continue this, I don’t know what to say..
Common man!! Even I am taking it easy, why are you worrying? Forget it. Ok, I have to go for an important meeting. Onsite guys will call. Have to meet deadlines. So, Got to go. Bye.
Cyaa..
Cyaa. Man. Be in touch.

Day 32 - Deewana Bana De

For life to be interesting, you should make fun of others. You should be made fun of. Else life becomes too bland.

- Leo da Mirci in his book “ A recipe to failure - how to make bland dishes”.

A small imagination of what would happen if cricketers enter into Bollywood. A bit long. Forgive me if it is boring.

Pre-Script:

Sony Set Max’s viewership increased by a huge number during the ICC Champions trophy. Sony Max feels that its Extraa Innings featuring Rohit Roy, Shonali Nagrani and Mandira Bedi (who till a few days back thought that 20-20 is a game played with 20 players on each side) was a huge hit across the country. The channel claims that adding Filmi Flavour to cricket was one of the most important reasons for this increase in viewership (another important reason being Mandira Bedi’s costume designer). “The channel has plans to add cricket to entertainment too”, says Charu Sharma on behalf of Sony Max.

Current Scenario - The Background: (too much of B-School pressure => headings)

After the recent defeat in the ICC Champions trophy, the dismal performance in ODIs in South Africa, and the bashing it is getting from all quarters the entire Indian team is dejected. The Board of Sony thinks that this is the right time to get the cricketers into the entertainment domain. Sony plans to produce a movie with the Cricketers as the main cast. It sends a team (of a few cricketers dropped for the SA series) headed by Charu Sharma to South Africa to talk to the captain, Rahul Dravid & the current players regarding the new venture. Rahul after a bit of convincing, agrees to talk to the team about the new venture. Most of the team members feel that their ad revenues will drop after the South African tour. They think that the only other way to earn revenues would be to be a part of Bollywood (they never think of practicing). So the team agrees to be a part of the movie. A meeting of the Indian team members is convened to discuss and decide upon the plot and the actors.

Venue: The Indian dressing room South Africa

The entire team (with Greg Chappell) enters the dressing room..

Rahul Dravid: Welcome gentlemen!!!

Munaf Patel to RP Singh: Isnt he the gentleman?

Rahul Dravid(hearing some murmuring): Who is that talking? You know guys. I want perfect discipline here. This is a crucial meeting for all of us. Please stop talking.
Gentlemen, we are all here to discuss about the plot of the movie and the roles we will be taking up. You know guys, I have got good news for you. Steven Spielberg has agreed to direct the movie. Chappell will be the Assistant Director. It will be fun, don’t you think so?

Harbhajan: Captain, Pehle yeh bolo, yeh Steapen Spealebergu kaun hai?(first tell me!! who is this Steapen Spealebergu?)

Rahul Dravid(to Bhajji): Bhajji pehle yeh bolo. Why haven’t you tied your hair? First tie you hair... The SGPC is waiting for you!!! This happens always, have Royal whisky at night, forget to tie your hair and get into controversies!!!

Rahul Dravid(to the team): Ok guys. Lets first decide on the hero. Whoever wants to be a hero please raise your hands.
(All hands raise)

Rahul Dravid(to himself): Now raise you hands , when I call for practice switch off your mobiles.
Rahul Dravid(to the team): See not everybody can be the hero, you know. Please tell me one by one, why you should be the hero. Lets do it in the batting order… Sehwag start!

RP Singh to Munaf Patel: Arre this is unfair!! Humko chance nahi milega (We will not get a chance)
Munaf Patel to RP Singh: Abey chup. Yeh batting order jalti collapse ho jayega. (Dude, shut up. You don’t know about our batting order. They will all collapse soon. We will get more time to speak than the entire top order put together.)

Sehwag(ready for his speech): Guys, with my new funky hair style(?) I’ll become a heartthrob among the girls.. Aarthi often says that I look too good. Moreover, people have seen me as a hero in the Hero Honda Ad. So that would help too. The number of fans I have is increasing you know!

Munaf Patel to RP Singh: Yes even his size keeps on increasing day by day… The only thing that is decreasing is his average!!! By the way he has no hair on his head... Why does he call it a hairstyle?
RP Singh to Munaf Patel: Ha ha!! You’re right!! Munaf, tell me - how can he become a hearththrob among girls?
Munaf Patel to RP Singh: Arre yaar, Kenya mein Odumbe bhi Hero hai!!! (Hey dude in Kenya, even Odumbe is a hero)
(Both laugh silently)

Rahul Dravid: Ok. Sehwag thanks. Now Sachin… start!!!
(Everybody turns towards Sachin and find him sleeping)

Rahul Dravid(in a loud voice): Sachin.. stop sleeping and say something.
(Pathan wakes Sachin up)

Sachin(half asleep – hears only the words “say something”): Thanks Ravi, the pitch was flat and the ball was coming on to the bat. I thought if I could stay till the end overs, it would be good for the team. I might waste hundred balls to move from 99 to 100 but still I consider myself playing for the team and nobody should criticize me. Because I am Sachin. Main kaun hoon? Mera tennis elbow kahan hai?

Rahul Dravid(shouts): Sachin!! Sachin wake up!!! Tell me why you want to be a hero…

Sachin(awake now): Oh!!! Sorry Dravid… Had a bad dream. Coming to the hero point, you can see that even if I don’t play well I will be in the team and people come to watch me. Similarly, I thought even if I don’t act well everybody will watch my films. I thought I have more fans than anybody else in the country (excluding Thalaivar Rajnikanth, of course). I have acted in more ad films than all of you put together. So given my past experience ….

Chappell (interrupts): Sachin… stop talking about your past experience. Only current performance will be taken into account in my film. What do you say Rahul?

Rahul Dravid: Whatever you say sir!!! (to himself - Why would I risk saying something? I know your proficiency in writing letters to the BCCI. There are people waiting in the BCCI office to leak the letters to the press. I am a gentleman, Mr. Chappell; but a clever gentleman, you *&^%$#)
(Suddenly there is a loud noise in the room; Sourav, Azhar, Jadeja and Sidhu enter into the room shouting “Ooh aah India Aaya India!!”)

Charu Sharma: Why are you people late for the meeting?? Hey, Sidhu!!! I read that you are in jail…

Sidhu: No, Charu. I was on bail. Not in jail. The difference between jail and bail is as good as the difference between the poor and the rich. All that makes the difference is a bit of money!!! Anyways, Hi everybody… It is good to be here for the meeting! This place is excellent!!! The feeling of being in the dressing room is as good as a vegetarian having chicken pox. You have chicken in you and you don’t have to eat it. And what more!!! You still remain a vegetarian.

RP Singh to Munaf Patel: What does that mean?
Munaf Patel to RP Singh: I am sure even he does not understand what he says!! Don’t ever try to ask him.. He will reply with another one of his Sidhuisms!!

Azhar: Hi boys!!(I love calling you so) It has been a long time since I met you. I have been busy in my gym… Boys, I want to be frank. I hate the movie world. Because Sangeeta hates it. But boys, I can book tickets for any movie for you people. I have lot of bookie contacts you know!!! One more thing boys…I wanted to meet Gibbs in South Africa… I heard that he has been avoiding me. Boys if you can find him please tell him that...

Sourav(interrupting Azhar): Azzu!! Enough!! lets not call them boys any more…They are all grown ups now..(in a low voice - I helped these *$%^& grow up in the team and look at my fate now) Hey guys, how are you!! It is your Dada… I missed you so much. And you know what? In my leisure time at home I prepared a plot for the movie (instead of playing the Ranji trophy). I have got a very good story for the movie. Let me narrate to you the story.

Charu Sharma: Make it short, Dada. We are already short of time.

Sourav(angry): How dare you use the word short in my presence? You know how much I hate short ones. I have even stopped wearing shorts!! Ok leave that. Let me tell you the crux of the plot in detail (??)

This is the story of a guy who is the king..hmm….let us say the Prince of Bollywood!!! All the movies he acts in as the hero are big hits. Many new actors get a chance to act because of him. He forms his own team, and uses the same cast/crew in all his movies; even the director and producer are the same. Once on a foreign shooting schedule, the hero fights against a few Englishmen. Half way through the fight the hero gets out injured. Believing that nothing can save his team, start his prayers at the Lords; somehow, his friends display lots of courage, fight till the end and defeat the Englishmen. Charu, you know, here we can have a song with my shirts off…just like Salman does in all his movies!!! Everybody in the country is now a fan of the hero.

And then comes the tragic part of the movie - this winning combination does not last for long. One day, his director Mr. Right falls ill and leaves India. The producer Dalmiya also loses money and power. The new producer comes in and he selects a new director. Problems crop up between our hero and the new director. A few movies flop and the director wants the hero to be replaced. He does not want to give him even a small role in the movie. As usual, the people of West Bengal (who oppose anything that is good for the country) oppose our hero’s removal too. They want him back as the hero; or at least in a small role in the movie. But nobody listens to what they say, as usual. Our Prince now sits down in his house watching old movies he has acted in.

Let us end it here, with a note saying how great people are ill treated in India!!! We in Bengal love tragic endings. Lets spread this phenomenon across the world. What do you say Charu? How is my story?

RP Singh to Munaf Patel: May be at the end of the movie we can have Sourav in a Pepsi ad saying “Mera naam Sourav Ganguly hai. Bole tho nahi…Jo hua, kyun hua, kaise hua. Yeh sab soch ke dhukh bhi hotha thaa; ghussaa bhi aatha thaa. Par ab nahi. Main bollywood mae vaapous aane keliyae bahut bahut (dance) practice kar raha hoon. Kya maalum… heronies ke saath shirtless dance karne kaa mujhe aur ek moka mil jaaya. Jo bhi ho… bollywood ka andhar ya baahar..main chup bhaitnawaala nahi.. ooh aah..ouch.. iodex!!! aa yaa iodex. bollywood ke har movie ka fight scene mae main aise hi chill aaongaa. Aap bhi chillaayaengae.. mere team ko iodex zaroori hai… mere team ko acha lagaega… apni dada ki baat suneginaa?”
(Munaf Patel laughs out loud and everybody turns back)

Sidhu: Look!!! this kid is laughing when the Prince is speaking. This is what the Indian team lacks. Dsicipline!! I am telling you.. (Sign board for adults below adult level - Censored Sidhuism ahead) This is like a married couple playing handball. The guy doesn’t end up screwing his wife unless he first gets his hands on the ball. (Puritanists who just read the above line can now go see your Parish priest)

Jadeja (in a low voice to Sidhu): Sherry, see Sonali Chander is the only person in the world who can understand what we both speak…and nobody else cares about our comments!!! So shut up..

Rahul Dravid: Ok ok.. You know guys. This is not taking us anywhere.. Let us decide the heroine first…
(Voices heard) Sangeeta, Nagma, Kim Sharma, Sania Mirza, Shilpa Shetty, Dimple Kapadia, Yuvraj Singh!!!

Charu(interrupts): No No No!!! Peace people...Shanthi Shanthi...The heroine is already decided. Anything with Sony & cricket it will always be Mandira who is the heroine. We have even decided on a few promotions with Mandira’s champions trophy clips..

Munaf Patel to RP Singh: May be they should use the clip where Mandira asked Tony Grieg “Tony!!! now that Gilchrist is injured, whom do you think will open the fielding for South Africa?” Can you believe it? Mandria is the heroine!!! Yeh comedy movie hai kya??

Charu(continues): And we would better have our captain as the hero. Sony Max has a plot. Since the team cannot come to a conclusion we will go with our own plot.…

The movie revolves around the India-Pakistan rivalry. Pakistan plans to destroy India. Since they cant win anything face to face, they use one more of their cheap tactics. They send drug dealers to India. Pakistan wants to create a huge drug market in India and supply drugs to the Indian Army. They come up with an intelligent plan(by Pakistan’s standards) that they would attack India when the Indian soldiers are all on drugs (???). They send their main drug dealer to India. You know, with his knowledge of drugs, Shoaib would be perfect for this role. Against him is the captain of the Indian Army, Rahul.

Rahul consults the eternal captain of India, Vijaykanth to find out where the terrorists hide. Vijaykanth with his widespread experience in this area(14 films, 2 guest roles & a terrorist capture count of 149) helps Rahul identify and gun down all the terrorist drug dealers. Somehow Shoaib escapes with a few others.

In the climax Shoaib comes down running all the way from Pakistan to hit Rahul. Rahul stops him with one finger and Shoaib falls down right under Dravid’s feet. There he lies under Dravid’s feet, unable to move just like a cricket ball. Shoaib loses all his energy and returns back to Pakistan and starts running again. Meanwhile Rahul beats all other drug dealers, the first man, second man, third man etc.. one by one..As he usually does, Rahul hits their balls (towards the point area), pulls them, lifts them over the head and flicks them finally, making sure that all these guys reach the ropes!!! By that time, Shoaib reaches India. However, he is unable to fight against Rahul as he gets injured because of running too much…You know, Shoaib would be the best choice for this role… He even has the experience of acting injured!!!

(The door opens and somebody in a Sony SET Max T-shirt gives Charu a note)…

Charu(after reading the note - in a sad voice): Sorry friends…Maa Prem Ritambhara, our official tarot card reader has predicted that this movie would be a super hit. So the Sony Executive Board is pretty sure that this movie will be a big flop. They are no longer financing the movie…..(after a pause) It has been dropped. I am extremely sorry friends..The meeting has to end now..

(All cricketers are so dejected and start moving)

Sidhu(shouts at the top of his voice): I cant believe this!!! Sony Max is behaving like a pizza delivery guy who loves his job. Even if his wife gets pregnant he would want to deliver the baby!!! And you know what…If you push Geoffrey Botcott into a pool of....

(All cricketers start running as Sidhu starts one more of his Sidhuisms.)

The end.

Day 31 - Friends are not forever...

Writing this blog made me realize how much I miss my friends; I mean those really close ones!!!

We all have friends…. At all levels, kinder garden, middle school, high school, graduation, post graduation and so on….But why do you still want to go back home and have a look at the small playground where you played cricket?

At 25, at post graduation level – you have friends who are close but they are still far… Here there are very few people who are so close to you, very few people whom you can trust and very few people you prefer to be with. You smile at everybody, laugh with everyone, seem to have a good time with everyone but still there is always this nagging feeling that if you were given a choice you would have chosen someone else. The competition is tough(not so tough though) that there is every possibility that everyone’s true self will be revealed some time or the other. And it hurts when it is revealed. You do not want it to be… There are always some truths that better remain hidden… But you still cannot avoid knowing that your friend thinks that you are competition and that there is the other friend who speaks behind your back. You stop speaking out your heart for the sake of being diplomatic. You put a mask to your face and smile at them everyday, justifying it by saying that life at the corporate level is going to be the same… A line is drawn with friends, even with close friends… It says what questions can be asked, how one should behave and the rules involved in the friendship. It becomes a kind of a contract, a contract which gives benefits to both the parties…

But, but only a few years ago it was so nice…..

Just think of those days, when you just thrashed out the guy who made fun of you and the friend who supported you immediately without even thinking for a moment. There were no stakes involved and there was nothing to lose. You could just tell anybody on their face that he was committing a mistake. You were allowed to hate people and announce it to everybody. You always had the feeling that there were friends with you and they are going to be with you till the end of life. Think of the number of times you told your heart, “Why are my parents controlling me.. One day I will stay with my friends”. You planned to open a shop together and live happily… There were people who were actually close to you… You can still remember those places you had gone together, the girls you followed daily, the bus which took you back to school, the first day film shows and parotta stalls where you never went Dutch…The kuttichuvar which was yours, the place where you go back and sit atleast once and watch the small boys playing during your holidays… Remember you were all divided into teams, played cricket among yourselves daily and then suddenly one day you realized the bonding among yourselves when you played together against another team…There are these people whom you actually care for…Those people whom you first call when you are trying not to cry… call them up and start crying but still do not feel ashamed about…Those people whose voice would bring you instant energy… Those people whose “sorry “ really meant something…The only ones whom you called up the day your itinerary back home is decided and said, “Makka I am coming home in December..Come da”. Those people who are the first ones you call when you go home for your holidays and say “Makka, let us go somewhere da. Oor suthi evlo naalachu”. Those people with whom you can share the darkest secrets…Those people who were with you when money was not a factor… Those friends whose salaries never made you jealous…Those whom you are reminded of when you watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Those people who were really close… Missing them all…

Those times with those friends were all happy moments. All this happiness was in school and college when I did not earn anything , when I did not have money…Now I don’t have that happiness. I do not feel that real sense of happiness even though people think that I am…Is it all because I started earning money? Is it because I have money? No, that is just an excuse. It is not because I have money. It is because I think that it is important for life.

Day 30 - Never do it. It hurts...

I was trying to cry. I could not. Finally I started writing this and cried…

Nov 18 2006

“Some say that one should be a coward do it, some say that one should be brave to do it. But all I know and all that matters is that it is pain for everyone” - Leo da Mirci

If only I had known it earlier.....

I would have written a testimonial for you in orkut
I would have talked to you about the first train journey we had together and how much I enjoyed it
I would have told you that we friends often laugh repeating the comments you made during the journey
I would have told you that I laugh out loud reading your replies in the newsgroups
I would have told you that after reading your mudslinging format, I kept on telling friends that "He is a genius da... sema nakkal paaru"
I would have told you that your roomie often boasts that you are very sharp in understanding things
I would have told you that I loved the way you imitate our Finance Professor
I would have told you that you are one the very few persons whom I do not mind making fun of me
I would have told you that our first(and last) dinner with friends together was one of the happiest ones I had in life
I would have told you that your smile on the orkut profile photograph actually is so cute and childlike
I would have told you that I was in front of you when that photograph was clicked
I would have made fun of you saying that you forget more steps that you remember while dancing
I would have told you that I did not move much around with you but you were close to me
I would have spent the entire day with you
I know you would have made fun of me but still I would have told you how much I loved you
I would have told you that everybody on campus loved you
I would have told you that there are so many people who would be happy to be with you
I would have told you that it would be more pain for us than for you
If I had know it earlier I would have, would have... somehow stopped you...

You stupid, didnt you know that there are hundreds of people like me... who would have done all these...you could have told at least told one of them !!!
Goodbye da...

(For a friend who recently took a decision to end his life...)
Never do it anybody...It hurts...

Having been so close to what he did, I could not stop writing this....